Husband Addicted to Pornography

QUESTION: My husband is addicted to pornography. What do I do?

ANSWER:

If you think your husband is addicted to porn, start by answering these questions:

• Why do you think your husband is addicted?
• What do you think the symptoms of pornography addiction are?

Compare your husband’s actions to these symptoms: Your husband may be addicted to porn if he is less affectionate.

Has his desire for sex with you decreased? Is he okay with that?

Has his time on the computer increased dramatically?

Is he coming home later than normal, but isn’t working on a big project?

He could be addicted if his sexual desires are becoming more and more perverted in order for him to gain an erection. If he is taking numerous showers, he could be cleaning up from masturbating, visiting a massage parlor, or being with a prostitute. Watch for an unexplained need for cash.

Please understand that these actions are not guarantees, nor exhaustive in determining whether your husband is addicted to porn. Some husbands lose interest in sex when stressed at work. Some men’s sexual desires increase when they are stressed.

If you think your husband is addicted to porn, your first step is to pray, asking God to reveal to you whether your husband is addicted or not. If he is addicted, ask the Holy Spirit to convince your husband to confess his sin to God and to you.

Discuss the topic of sex with your husband. How did his parent’s views impact his understanding of sex? Was sex viewed as healthy or shameful? How does it compare to your family’s view of sex? How have their views impacted your current sex life?

Also ask yourself if you have had any role in his possible addiction:

Have you been withholding sex from your husband for extended periods of time in order to change his behavior or punish him? Maybe you don’t know that withholding sex isn’t fighting fair in marriage. God wants couples to have sex on a regular basis. Your husband and you need to determine what is healthy for your marriage relationship.

When to Speak Up - If your concern persists for more than a month or two, then prayerfully consider whether you should ask him if he is addicted. Some men want their wives to ask them so they can confess and rid themselves of their guilt. Some men never want their wives to ask them. So you need to be a student of your husband.

If you feel God wants you to confront your husband, begin praying for the right time, the right words, and a receptive heart. Ask for God’s help in creating a “safe place” so your husband can talk with you about his addiction without rejection or condemnation. We’re not excusing his addiction, but it is important to get his secret sin out in the open, in order begin the healing process.

The idea of confronting your husband so he gets “caught,” shouldn’t be your motivation. Saving your husband should be your motivation for confronting him. Have a plan in mind and don’t be shocked or go off on him. Remember, you were the one who asked, so be prepared for the answer. If you ask and he says “yes,” then, I recommend that you immediately forgive him. Consider saying, “Honey, I forgive you. Now, what can we do to rid you of this addiction and make our relationship better than it was before?” Such a question doesn’t reject, it requires positive action, and implies that you’re a team. Assure him that you aren’t going anywhere.

As strange as it seems, your support may be the first step toward healing. It is moving you toward an emotional and spiritual intimacy. So what may have begun as a disaster could result in the marriage you have always wanted. I’m certainly not justifying porn, but our supernatural God has the power to heal.